Journeys: J. M.

Date: September 11, 1997
Email: None

As I start to write, the word 'journey' reminds me of 'Amaroo Journey's End' which is the name M. gave to his conference land near Brisbane, in Australia. In that kind of place, or rather in the state of mind you are when you find yourself there, or in his land in India near Delhi, or in a conference with him or in his presence, being at the end of my journey was really what I felt so many times. Being at the place I really wanted to reach, inside of me and in this world, feeling so well, so elevated, so high, filled with so much love.

I really thought it was the best that I would ever get to feel in my life. And maybe it still is. But for 25 years I would never have imagine that I could question that feeling that was so true! How can you question what you feel is true? But do you ever try to think about what truth is? No, you can't do that at that state, because you are absolutely convinced that you know 'Truth'. You know what truth is, you have 'experienced' it, you are so much convinced of that because the person you love the most, the person you admire the most, said that so many times. You have said that so many times too, and you ' feel ' it so much. What can you say to someone who says he 'feels' what he feels/says/thinks is true, specially yourself ? Nothing.

Did you ever really try to understand what it is that you feel and you call truth ? What is really real about it? Did you ever hear anything about people hallucinating, group phenomenons, etc? Are you absolutely sure not to be a part of them ? Do you dare question this ? If you don't, why ?

There is something you can feel inside of you, there is no question about it. It is a great feeling, no need to put more adjectives, or add all the adjectives you like if you want to. Why do you call this 'Truth'? Why not just call it a 'great feeling'? The fact that you stick a name to that feeling does not change anything to it. But it changes a lot in your mind. Do you allow yourself to question that great blissful feeling? Could it be something else?

The mind is something very important. We are created to function with our mind. You are not a zombie or some kind of ectoplasm nor an Indian realized soul lost on this planet by any divine mistake/grace. Maybe in India, people have a very different cultural background and have a different theory about this. I am not sure. I assume they also have a mind and they also need it (they are Homo Sapiens Sapiens too). Maybe they don't use it enough (or at least some/many of them), for their own reasons there are probably many theories about this and that's why their country is in that shape.

Maybe also many people in many places don't use their mind enough, which is a wonderful god-given tool, and that's why there are so many problems everywhere. Maybe, maybe not, maybe it is a part of the reason. If mind was unnecessary, why would we have it? It would have disappeared in the course of evolution. Or at least reduced to a necessary minimum like the toes we don't use very much.

You may think that getting rid of it is just the ultimate divine challenge. That by the grace and with the help of the 'Master', in order to feel the ultimate. I don't believe in that crap. Maybe you want to believe this: that is your absolute right. You can choose to be a fool yourself, and think it is a conscious choice. But you can't do that, because to be able to make a conscious choice, you have to be free of your unconscious motivations first. Unless you don't (or you don't want to) believe in the existence of the unconscious part of your mind, which is one of the biggest and uncontested discovery in the realm of psychology. Maybe you think this theory only applies to people 'in their mind', but are you not part of them ? Like me and everybody else.

Maybe you just simply want to get rid of this bothering mind. You have heard it is not good to do that, even M. says so, but still you would like to live without it. Because you have felt these moments of bliss, where mind and thoughts were not bothering you, and you want so much to feel this again and again (are you addicted ?). As what you call 'mind' was not bothering you in these moments, you think that by getting rid of mind and thoughts you will automatically be in that bliss all the time. This is a nice but unrealistic dream. It never happened for me in 25 years of practice, even though I had quite a lot of very good times. You know that very deeply in yourself, but you don't want to face that ultimate contradiction.

Why ? Because it's a nice dream, and we all like nice dreams. We don't like nightmares. But life is not a nightmare, even though you can have some very difficult moments. With or without Knowledge, being or not being a premie (good or bad). Maybe you were just going out of a very difficult time in your life, like me when I first heard about Knowledge. I had a lot of questions in my mind at that time. I was really looking for answers, as many people do at one time or another in their life. And I remember the kind of feeling I had when I came to Knowledge/Maharaji in 1972.

Discovering and rediscovering a wonderful feeling inside of me, meeting plenty of wonderful people, a very blissful feeling in these meetings and in these ashrams, in these satsang programs, and Maharaji on top of that. And I automatically associated him with my feelings (these phenomenons have very well known reasons/explanations - see links of this site - there are quite a lot of books on these topics). And then I got involved a lot in this group phenomenon. It is so natural to actively participate in something you believe in and seems to give you so much.

I don't want to go into the details of what I have been involved in, but I can summarize: everyday satsang and meditation, ashram for 6 years, a lot of service and involvement in day to day activities, help for many programs setup, part-time instructor, lots of responsibilities in Elan Vital, etc.

If I go back to what was going on in my life at the time I came to Knowledge, I have to admit that I lost most of my common sense at that time. Exactly like what happens when you fall in love, or when you get over-enthusiastic about something. Why did I loose my common sense and fell into that? This is what I had to understand for myself, with the help of a psychoanalyst. It was not an easy process, because I felt so much frustration and I was so addicted to that childish blissful feeling. But this is another story.

I know some people, and I have some close friends, who are in the same process of clarifying all this and rediscovering what reality really is. It is not an easy process. Specially because you have to go back to your unresolved problems that led you there in the first place. If you replace Knowledge by another kind of meditation, I am afraid that you might again push away your real problems, and delay what you can do now.

What I now think is that I got into all this to avoid facing some difficulties, and to escape some problems that were bothering me deeply. And now I have to face them. And get really healed. And not by any superficial pseudo-therapy. Because pseudo-therapies, like meditation, anesthetize you, your mind and your common sense, and don't allow you to really solve your personal problems. Like alcohol or drugs.

And it feels very good to face and solve your problems. You feel like a real human being, standing on your feet, not depending on a very doubtful guru (even though he might be very good and sincere some very strange people are very good and sincere), and not depending on this group phenomenon which is also a very good/bad wall between you and the world of whatever you don't want to face. If you don't feel strong enough to face whatever you have to face, don't forget that you are not the first one in that case, that others made it, and that you also can.

Thousands and thousands of people received Knowledge. How many of them are still involved in it? 10%? Maybe a little more, maybe a little less. What happened to the rest of them? They are not in hell. They also understood something. There is nothing wrong in doing that. This is also a great thing that man can do: make mistakes, and learn from them. Even if it takes a lot.

Maybe it will be very easy for you to recover from that. It has not been very easy for me. Maybe you'll need a lot of help. But face it; is it not what you accept from a guru? Are you sure that the practice of Knowledge was an easy thing for you? Even with Knowledge you faced a lot of difficulties. Remember?

M. claims he is someone who can help. Help doing what? You can judge for yourself. If you need help, look for it, talk about it with people you trust, think about it, and accept it. And believe in yourself. Be critical. Why not try to discover what you don't know? Why not try to solve what can be solved ? Why not try to heal what can be healed ? Why not try not to depend on what you don't need to depend. And be a free human being.

Here is a list of a few things that helped me a lot:

  • 1st and foremost: thinking and questioning is a good thing.
  • Mind is not a devil.
  • Guilt feelings are guilt feelings.
  • Talking with friends about my problems.
  • A good psychoanalyst.
  • A few Rebirth sessions.
  • Some good books.
  • Expressing my frustrations.
  • Talking with premies who were not as involved as I was.
  • Keeping my friends, even though I don't approve their involvement.
  • Being kind with myself (and with others).
  • Understanding that there is nothing I have to feel guilty about.
  • Questioning M. himself and what he is doing.
  • Questioning the people I know around him, and what they are doing.
  • Attending video programs from time to time and be critical about what is being said.
  • Attending M's programs if he comes around and be critical.
  • Keep what I understand for myself, and think about it.

It took me a year to be able to start understanding enough to be able to write what I just wrote.


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