www.enjoyinglife.org: Evidence #5

This reprinted post originally appeared in our online Forum, and is containted in the Forum III Archives (#29).

This reprinted post was re-formatted as follows:
Nigel's narrative: Bold Italics

enjoyinglife's Deletions: [DELETED TEXT]
enjoyinglife's Additions: [ADDED TEXT]
enjoyinglifes' Changes: [DELETED TEXT] [ADDED TEXT]

Date: Tues, Nov 17, 1998 at 20:32:52 (EST)
From: Evidence (5)
Email: None
To: Nigel, Jim, JW, TD
Subject: Diane Tully
Perhaps the strangest thing about Diane Tulley's (aka. JW) story, is not the predictable cuts they made, but the fact they wanted to print it at all. If ever there was an example of a miserable fucked-up premie notenjoyinglife at all, then here she is. Unfortunately, there are probably hundreds like her. Only an editor who was truly guru-blinded could fail to see that this person needs all kinds of help she is never going get from Maharaji. She has been around for 23 years, remember. What kind of advertisement is this?

Very strange and disturbing.


Diane Tully

When I received knowledge 23 years ago, I dove in head first and tried to practice as much as I could to the exclusion of everything else. But I got so easily distracted after the first year or so, and my life problems seemed to crash down on me with full force.

But I have since discovered that Knowledge is still there, whether I've been focusing on it or not. It's me that keeps getting distracted, not knowledge. And these days, I still experience the same doubts about Maharaji and knowledge that I did 20 years ago. The mind never seems to go away. But if I have faith, ignore [MY] doubts and judgmental thinking, [TRY TO MEDITATE] [PRACTICE] and focus on knowledge, [MY VERY OWN BREATH] I get glimpses of a place where my problems just don't seem so important.

My life has been anything but fun. I've had some good times, but I've also had several failed relationships, both marriages and otherwise, problems with drug and alcohol addiction and the effects that had on any consistent career, serious medical problems, and recurring depression. Once, I even attempted suicide.

But I focused so much on all the wrong things. I focused on everything that was going wrong, and on what I desired and wrongly thought would make me happy. But through it all, I know if I had just tried a little harder and made a little more effort, [SURRENDERED TO MAHARAJI MORE,] and looked away from the negativity, I could have saved myself a lot of pain and heartache. And knowledge is what I should always be focusing on instead.

I remember back in the 80s, sometimes I thought [PREMIES] [PEOPLE WHO HAD KNOWLEDGE] were being particularly crazy or cruel to me, and I couldn't understand or tolerate what seemed to be going on with power struggles [AMONG PREMIES IN 'THE MISSION] [AMONGST THEM]. I felt the focus went away from the practice of knowledge, I was ready to chuck it all. But I would sometimes say to myself: 'Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.' When it comes to knowledge, that's something that I've told myself a number of times, and I think it was Maharaji's grace that put that thought into my head. Sometimes, the baby got thrown out anyway, but hopefully, so far, I have been able to find it again.

Now, my problems are still there, but I can feel that connection to Maharaji, and even if I feel suicidal, I think about the fact that I have something to live for. I have the opportunity to see Maharaji again and experience what he has given me. [WHEN HE DANCES,] I feel lifted, and sometimes when I hear him speak, I am mesmerized and I don't even hear his words as words. My mind becomes disengaged and the sound of his voice just glides over me.

I forget that so much and fall into depression, but Maharaji at least gives me the opportunity to remember. And, throughout the rest of this life, I hope I can remember not to throw the baby out with the bathwater.

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